06.08.21

Hear our voices above the roar.
Hear the plea of wounded hearts.
For in the darkness there are those
Who’s everything was ripped apart.

Taste our bitterness in food and drink,
Prepared with skill beyond belief.
See the destruction behind the beauty
Of ancient ruins and aged relief.

Hear our voices in the crowd.
In pain, we sing ourselves to sleep.
See the dryness in our eyes,
For we have learned we cannot weep.

Forget not those whose tears have dried
On parched grounds where bones are laid.
Remember those whose frowns are buried
In tattered pillows where beds are made.

06.08.17

Just like others, I learn to lie.
I die, but all else fails to work,
Cause really no one really cares
I wear a grin, but mutter a curse.

If only they could see the hate.
We escape behind the masks we wear.
We bear the burden of mistakes
And damage what before was fair.

06.08.11

Dream beyond the depths of hell
That bind and hush the silent breath.
Amongst the carnage’s wretched show
There lies a flicker through the death.

Search for more than is in your reach,
For elsewhere lie lush peaceful hills
Among which those who persevere
Find rest if indeed their soft heart wills.

Bleeding, know that there are those
Ministering to wounds where skin has burst.
Cleaning, bandaging, and if extreme,
Applying tourniquet at worst.

Breathing, believe there still is air
For desperate lungs to metrically inhale.
Oxygen received and Carbon released
Brings color to sickly skin quite pale.

06.07.06

I am a catch that you never can have.
I am a bird that refuses the cage.
I am a hue in a world so drab.
I am the fight in a consuming rage.

I am the humor in jokes passed 'tween friends.
I am the smile on the child's loving face.
I am the punch line thrown out at the end.
I am the innocence found only in grace.

I'm the small flame that brought the great fire-
A droplet of rain that floods all the land.
I'm the distraction that makes man fall of wire.
I am the rod that beats child's hand.

I am the friend that none would suspect.
I oscillate between heaven and hell.
I am the saint who commands great respect.
I am the angel who long ago fell.

I am the one who embraces and smiles.
I am the one who fights by your side.
I am the one who brings you to trial.
I am the heartless who whispers a lie.

I am the one who will try all I can.
I am the failure who has nothing left.
I am the lady with all of the men.
I am the criminal, the killer, the theft.

I am the one you shan't and can't trust.
I sing sweet melodies deceptive and cruel.
I give no one room unless truly I must.
I lead to disaster the ignorant fool.

I change my colors for eyes that behold.
I fit 'ideal' in anyone's dream.
I read your wants and to that I can mold.
I am perceptive and ever so keen.

I am the one who will drive in the stake.
I am the heartless one smiling as you die.
I shrug my shoulders when you find I'm a fake.
But deep in my heart, I drown in my cry.

Deep down within it's myself I despise.
But no one can see past my cold, empty eyes.

06.06.26

A figure, a silhouette–
She dances, she moves.
A free-spirit full of imperfections,
She throws her arms open wide.
She stumbles, she cries.
She sings a painstakingly lovely song.
She breaks, she bleeds.
A child, a vulnerability–
She smiles, she dies.

How weak, how pitiful, how sad!
What a miserable fool, wanting things
That cannot be received cleanly,
Accepting torture and giving in to perilous desires,

She haunts my dreams.
She comes when I lay alone,
Sweating and shivering in my bed.
She follows me,
Silently screaming her patient demands
In my ear all day long.

Go away! Leave me alone!

She’s so far, but ever so close,
An unknown stranger so familiar.

Her black, solid figure represents a fully dimensional being.
She’s a painting, someone’s shadow.

Oh God! She’s mine!

06.05.09

Strike me with longing so I long for your hand.
Drain all my knowledge so I can’t understand.
Burn me with blindness so blindly I grope,
Leaving me empty with nothing save hope.
Disable my heart so I’m unable to flee
Away from bleak darkness to that which I see.
Allow me the choice to choose dessert storms
That bring on the pain and cause me to mourn.
Give me the peace to peacefully feel
The sting of disappointment’s bitter cold steel.
Grant me the grace to graciously wear
The oxymoronic beauty of a face stained by tears.

06.04.12

“Peace! be still!” my heart still screams
Forever and ever and ever it seems.
Bind up the wounds and plug open springs.
Hide the containers, by any means.

Keep down commotion at any cost.
Keep filling containers with blood that is lost.
Forget! Just ignore the hate that is tossed
Forever in the game of Who’s-The-Boss.

Just forget what happened before.
Don’t look down at the blood on the floor.
Lose the memories tied to all this gore.
Wrap up and cover that festering sore.

Let me smile and pat your head.
Let me pretend there was nothing said.
Let down defenses, but don’t turn to meds.
You’re blasted crazy; There was nothing said.

Why are you harboring things that cause you pain?
Let down your guards and let the puss drain.
Your mental incapacity is rendering you lame.
What is your problem? You’re f***ing insane!

What is my problem? I guess they are right.
I must really be a pitiful sight.
I guess its much different looking down from their height.
Perhaps I should finally resign tonight.
Perhaps it is time to give up the fight.

06.01.05

I am a rebel. Don’t stand in my way.
Much on my mind, so little to say.
Outcast and overlooked, misread and mistook,
Just smile and grin, it’s a cruel game they play.

I am a loner. I walk on my own.
My body’s my slave, my flesh and my bone.
Working in sync; blend what I do, what I think,
Patiently enduring every stick, every stone.

I am a fighter, so don’t even try.
Determined and focused is that gleam in my eye.
Broken and bruised, mutilated, abused,
Go on and laugh; in the end you will cry.

I am a warrior. See the scars that I keep.
What you now sow, you surely will reap.
Many stories of failure or times I endure,
Imperfections forever, remembered in sleep.

05.12.09

Eyes serve as windows to my soul–
Lives intersecting marks death to the lull.
With a lack of sincerity, please turn away.
My cold heart melts at your warm gaze.
Pounding and pounding, it takes a toll–
Focus elsewhere, but everything strays;
Look for familiarity but nothing stays.
Focus somewhere, but all’s grown dull.

Just look away and leave me alone!
A mess within where all’s overgrown.
Do me a favor and humor me–
Close eyes and grin and say you don’t see
A weak, tender heart that’s weathered and blown,
A masquerade life, dressed beautifully,
A touch of mascara added dutifully,
A masquerade game so there’s nothing shown.

Don’t reach inside and find who I am.
Don’t realize it’s all been a scam.
Run from the pain that’s waiting to trip.
Hesitance shows as I bite my lip.
Not close to a lion but I’m far from a lamb.
Simplified down, my heart wants to skip.
Emphasized sound, tapping time on my hip.
Simplified gown, offer all that I am.

Eyes serve as windows to my soul–
Far from complete, it avoids growing whole.
With such sweet sincerity, please turn away.
My scared heart mends at your tender gaze.
Pounding and pounding like a bell’s gentle toll.
You’re still standing there, even up till today.
Shed smiling tears, can you promise you’ll stay?
Promise your love and I think I may.

05.12.05

Turn and look– it’s always standing there.
Smile and feign– there’s more than you can bear.
Try to run-– you can't go anywhere.
In your veins-– controlled by pain and fear.

Look and see-– confusion blinds you here.
Focus hard– you’re loosing all held dear.
Blink your eyes– they’re dry and so they tear.
Stay on guard– but you can’t stay aware.

And as I waited for a change and sat in pain, going insane, no one sees past the smile I feign, but it really can't last and so it wanes...

And so I search for something more. I strain my ear to listen for a whispered song above the roar... perhaps of love but I'm not sure.

And everyone hands me maps and guides, but really they hide the frustration inside. Anger and agitation flow like a tide that everyone joins on for the ride.

And somehow in this mess of mine there is a sign of hope that shines and suddenly events start falling in line that lead to something sweet as wine.

And in the heart of confusion around my ear picks up the sweetest sound. Is it illusions or reality I've found? Around this song my heart is wound.

And could it really be for me? I look around but I can't see, but either way my heart agrees and wants so bad to fly so free.

And slowly as the song gets loud and beautiful, I wonder how I'm blessed enough and even allowed to be standing among the crowd.

But somehow the song is sung of me- of my talents and beauty. Things I really couldn't see and thought impossibility.

And in the chaos of my world there's something new in this crazy swirl. Never before have I been affirmed as a girl and my empty heart was new and full.

And though my legs and heart were lame and over time became quite tame, when in the song I heard my name, there was a change- I'm not the same.

If music never moved me before or never again does anymore, this one time brought me to the floor and made me dance and truly soar.

And though it's now a memory, a time that's past so fleetingly, it changed my life rather completely. There is no way people can't see.

And I can only thank the one who sang the song and really won my heart and made me dance for fun. I'll never forget it though it's done.

05.11.03

Time expanded through ceaseless multitasking,
Never a moment lacking in excess dimensions.
Too often a separation demanded of focus
Resulting in a void of excellence and performance.

Never enough to fulfill screaming demands,
Always enough to find marginal productivity.
All necessities manage to be satisfied,
Yet so many needs neglected by the wayside.

Beautiful life finds existence in minimalistic measures.
Deep, rich colors whispering rhymes across seeds–
Sickening peace that satisfies so deeply–
Heart wrenching pain, singing melodies of vitality.

Cyclical repetition stands tall as timekeeper,
Sweeping travelers into habit and routine,
Feigning comfort and ease yet bringing on blindness,
Break away from mundane non-existence.

05.09.08

Where can I stand? Where do I belong?
Just trying to dance and jive with this song.
Can I ever just once be out of the way?
People will move and exclude. It seems they never stay.
I find that’s the case, so what can you say?
I can’t really blame them, it’s not really wrong.

I’m running, avoiding–
There’s something quite unsolvable here.
I’m watching, waiting–
There’s something too ironic here.
There’s nothing I can do here.

Still I’m trying to find my place.
I’m hoping to come out on top in this life race.
Flailing arms groping for an outstretched hand.
How will it all turn out in the end?

Stepping aside to avoid trampled toes.
Grasping and hiding my worries and woes.
Do people read the truth behind the mask?
Can others see sweat dripping as a result of this task?
Striving and straining to live and to last.
Heart beats, head pounds, my fear only grows.

Still I’m seeking to find my place.
I’m running hard to come out on top in this race.
Desperate arms reaching for an offered hand.
How will it all turn out, come the end?

People ever arrive and ever depart.
Rub shoulders with many, but few touch my heart.
Lean back a bit to avoid pointless contact.
If I actually move and reach out, who will react?
No one to trust so I must watch my back.
Turning and watching, I’ve made it an art.

Yet I have to find a real safe place.
Not on my own, but I’ll win this life race.
Helpless arms grasped by a bleeding hand.
I’ll see beauty through pain once I’m at the end.
Rainbows emerge after rain, what a glorious end.

05.09.08

I open my mouth and try to speak–
Try to verbalize thoughts and feelings
Scattered in mind, hardly organized by my tongue.
Hard to find a way to portray it all right.

So much on mind, I long to share.
Difficulty telling you what I mean.
How can I explain when you don’t want to hear?
I can’t make you accept my humble words.

Should I just shut my mouth or will you listen?
Have you already decided your set reaction?
Should I just walk away cause you won’t listen?
What’s the point when I already know your reaction to what I say?

Again you’re upset, what can I do?
I’ve phrased it as best as I possibly can.
Nothing I say ever reaches your heart.
It only runs through your ears and triggers your temper.

Should I just shut my mouth or will you listen?
Have you already decided your set reaction?
Should I just walk away cause you won’t listen?
What’s the point when I already know your reaction to what I say?

You’re walking away; I’m frozen in place.
Should I even try now to make you stay?
I’ve tried so many times before to no avail.
I’m helpless to change anything, so I can only say goodbye.

Should I just shut my mouth or will you listen?
Have you already decided your set reaction?
Should I just walk away cause you won’t listen?
What’s the point when I already know your reaction to what I say?

Could anything hurt as much as feeling mute?
Like anything expressed is always misread.
Can I ever impact others in positive ways?
Good intention will only carry me so far.
Meaning well doesn’t mean anything when it dies in the air.
No one can hear… I can’t do much here.

05.09.06

Heart beats
Head pounds
My eyes are searching
Searching for something
Something that’s worth it
It eludes me, I can’t find it
It’s tangible
Tangible, yet intangible
Intangible, yet I can feel
Feel the desire to reach
Reach out and grasp
Grasp the hope
Hope for more
More will come
Come to find
Find reality
Reality hurts
Hurts will come
Come this way
Way to go
Go away

05.09.02

A walk through my life, a look through my history–
The pain and the strife, the joy and the fury,
The memories stored and the records by knife,
What I lived for and bore, what others can see.

Moments I share or fear from the past
that wear me out or repair me at last.
Forever a mark on this heart which embarks
On this dark and weary trail... some people care.

Remembrance of time spent weaved in a rhyme
Where dirt and grime chipped away at my being,
Molding a tense and hard heart in this thing
And hence, hopefully, it brings one more sublime.

Recollections slapped on my fragile memory.
They're trapped there forever from which my mind taps
And raps ever on as warnings for me
To see, believe, sever hope and sap energy.

Forever I must learn to believe and to trust
In the words that drip love but also are just;
And as I look above, I'm refreshed by a gust
Of peace, pure and lovely, no trace of lust.

Battling lies and tossing out 'why?'s
That entangle my mind from those that fly by
Who try ever more to bring forth my demise
And damage my worth and draw out loud cries.

Standing on what I've built my life 'round;
Straining my ear to the sounds that resound
Everywhere- In the air, in the ground.
Focus right there... it is here I am found.