19.04.05

Fri April 5, 2019

That hurts, I said

But it doesn't really matter.

Cause the moment that I speak on it, the feeling's getting flatter.

And the splatter from my bleeding out is getting rather layered.

As it dries on top of other blood the colors getting grayer.

My history unaltered lies in pages on the floor.

So much more than people recognize, but they're stuck outside the door.

Cause the barriers that I reinforce are keeping my heart poor.

This lonely chore that drags my soul ashore is one that I abhor.

Every other second my reality is shifting

And the plains on which I stood begin to change as my mind's sifting

Through the pixels and the data that make up my current stage.

As the wires tap into the memories of eternal rage.

As the fires flap against my art, I plan to burn this place.

As required by my lonely heart, I scan and turn the page.

As a dire one last chance restart, I fan the growing rage.

As my cry erases all, departure set, my mind turns beige.

06.02.24 -no name-

There are those who think we're crazy. Well, let me agree. If only you could see the reality behind it all, behind society's wall. People stand tall but really they cower 'cause they can't face the truth that is screaming out this hour.

Crazy we live, but we actually live, unlike those who continue to give excuses thinking the world can see their uses that they've spent a lifetime building. It really amuses me how people go on ignoring "now" and only look at future things, the wealth, the gold, the diamond rings, and can't see what their ignorance brings. All they see is the illusion of lies that hide the painful cries of the people all around, drowning in a pool of sighs.
Defining me as "crazy" is really just telling me that I am actually doing something other than drowning in a false reality. Telling me I'm "strange" really only sets the stage for a life that actually is lived rather than wasting what I can offer and give. Saying that I'm "different" only labels me a different scent. I don't just give my consent when the others come to demand I give up what I've fought to have. There are things I have sought to know and things that I have got to show. Proof of life beyond existence, proof that "right" can mean resistance. I could die in just an instant. They might kill me. They won't listen.
"Crazy" now means "threat" in a world pretending to lack regret in their keeping their lives so clean and swept just to blind their eyes from things they dread. It's funny how they're satisfied with living lives wrapped up with lies. They rather keep it simplified than examine the truth and be revitalized. What's easier appeals to the common man when "easy" really only stands for "temporary", if only they knew how desperate are their future plans.
Call me "crazy", it's better than "sane" by this world's definition of destruction and pain. I would rather fight the bleakness and depression than subject myself to the suffocation of having reality thwarted and watching those rewarded be the ones who live the quietest and never shake their angry fists.
I will fight and I will stand. I will bite and raise my hand. Cause a ruckus. Plot a plan. I'll be banished. I'll be banned. I will tend to things that ache. I will fend for things at stake. I will aim for something more than all that's received but not explored. I'll implore and I will ask, I will find a real task. Remove the mask and I will bask. My naked face up to the sun. Heavy panting, I will run. Break through barriers they set up in the areas they kept but blocked us out, turned us around. I'll respond to every sound. I am planted, I'll stand my ground against the things that hound me, keep me bound.
I will greet the morning sun. Find the one that will be mine. Have some fun and I will dine. Break the rules that don't apply. Dance to music. Get out of line. I'll be crazy. I'll be true. Be refreshed and be renewed. Spot the blue bird. Drink the dew. Tear some jeans and ruin the suit. No more restraint, I'm over faint and fragile days. I will taint my worldview and take others down with me, ruining what they thought they knew. Then the chaos will ensue. I will paint a different hue. It's all different. Life is new.
Glorified, I'll recognize my sin and the traps that I am in. I will let myself be shaped. Stand against the measuring tape so I can finally begin to lose bad habits and to win in a race that I am in. I will let myself be beat, so I can learn to take the heat. I will make myself be last and let the masses cut. I'll watch them pass. I will cast my burdens down, fall down prostrate, hit the ground. Win the bruises and the cuts that act as muses. I will put off the superficial and I'll learn to face the real. I will live and I will learn. I will love and I will yearn.
Life is short and I will die. I will leave here satisfied.

12.27.11

To the world she's another face–
Average, nothing to make one stop.
But hop inside that little frame
And make your way up to the top.

Crawl into her intellect, in which
She fabricates tale after tale.
Just take a ride through threaded whim
As it twists and builds a trail.

Please don't miss the little frog
Whose spectacle was stolen by
The old and jaded, heartless cod
Who fooled the thing, with words so sly.

And do take notice of the trees
Adorned and sugarcoated through
It's branches. Can't you see the leaves
Are made of cotton candy too.

Now drop to knee into the grass
That sways in time with Old Wind's tune.
They sing and dance in a great mass,
And only rest when they see the Moon.

In this jungle of luscious green,
You may just find the marketplace
Where bugs and critters bring their things
And trade to satisfy their tastes.

At this spot you'll find the snail,
Who tries to live amongst the ants.
But determined as he is, it's to no avail
He just can't fit into those pants.

Now listen close and hear the cries
Of the old owl who no one sees.
He screeches loudly as he flies-
A mourning of lost histories.

Along with him are ancient souls
Like the whale and mountain sheep.
They've been there when the death bell tolls
And that is why you see them weep.

But drag your fingers through the stream
Of hopeful wishes merged as one.
A collective place of children's dreams.
A place where new life has begun.

And on and on the world unfolds,
Revealing mysterious characters.
But share that world; she's not that bold.
So it's hidden just for the wanderers.

5.19.11

Slammed down, back cracking as you hit the pavement.
Thrown round, face smacking filling with resentment.
we're making friends our enemies, the entities we fight,
But flash a light, illumination, its a resolution night.

We might just find that there's unity around us,
The plight that grinds, we think it must surround us.
If you open up your arms and let your fists dissolve.
Evolve your mind's perspective, make this world revolve

Make it turn, 180, and send it back around
Like a record spinning, the break repeated now
This is how we'll change the world as we face the conflict spots
that constantly create. and build these road blocks.

Speak. positivity into the air tonight.
Swallow down that hatred that makes you wanna fight.
Send a shock right through your brain, rewire thoughts, return to sane,
Inspire everyone that's near you to join you in the change.

Let the wonder of the colors round you undermine the others
that are muting out the innocence of the child of your mother.
Breathe in deep the fragrance that is seeping out from
nature's own incense. Allow yourself to weep.
To sleep under the whisper of the heavens to
catch a glimpse of the span of all your breathren

Whisper out a simple prayer, let your walls collapse.
Ebb and flow with every single rhythmic lapse.
Take the blow, the hammer pounding you will bend you to the right.
Then in the end, you will not want to fight.

7.24.10

Crawl into my brain again,
Searching for the books I've lost.
Books I own, but never wrote,
Books I treasure at all cost.

Cob webs strung from side to side,
Proof that Silence owns the space.
Eclectic decor has changed so much
Since I last was within this space.

Rhyme and Reason long have left,
Abandoning me to find my way.
Lost among my genius and fears,
I breathe in deep and resort to pray.

Once I had a map I'd drawn
To navigate these catacombs.
Slowly, rotting pieces of
The organisms that I've owned.

Once I could run down these halls,
Grabbing pieces endlessly,
Forming truths as I continued
Storing more, relentlessly.

Am I to forget these days?
Should I leave and move away?
Is it time to let it go?
Have I finally reached that day?

If I board the entrance to
These caves I've treasured since my birth,
Will I give up all I know,
And lose the pieces of my worth?

I don't know what I should do,
Drowning, needing just to breathe.
I can't find which way is up,
Which will leave me lost at sea.

08.26.10 Butterfly

Wrap a ribbon around two hearts,
Blow a kiss and the fluttering starts.
One and one together makes two.
That's what happened, and away they flew.

Colors painted tenderly.
Gentle pulsing endlessly.
Joined and traveling through the world.
Caught in color and music swirled.

Place two hearts down side by side,
Joined together for the ride.
Floating through the dreams they form,
Carrying each other through the storm.

They bring smiles to those they touch,
Tiny moments that change so much.
Forever merged until they die.
Two hearts make a butterfly.

1.14.10

Match

Throw a punch and gain a point.
Dislocate a weakened joint.
Sweep her off her shaky stand.
See ahead and block her hand.

Break a rib exposed too much.
Crush her knees, she'll need a crutch.
Bruises scattered everywhere.
Hair to pull and skin to tear.

Face adorned with blackened eye.
Panting out a painful sigh.
Make her paint the color red
Every surface on which she's bled.

Struggling out a broken moan.
Broken will be every bone.
Skin is red and blue and torn.
Spirit beaten, shattered, torn.

Claim a victory every day.
Dominate in every way.
Stand your ground and never lose.
This can be the path you choose.

Every time she dies once more,
Laying quietly on the floor.
What you do not realise
Is that it's you that really dies.

Fall 07

Before her lies a staircase
winding deep into the depths of who knows
what is waiting down below existing in her mind

Whispers of sweet nothings reach her
bouncing off the cold stone walls
that hide their visibility in darkness out of sight

And all she knows begins to shift
below her feet are planted poorly
on a cloud from which the rain pours steady on her skin

Twirling in the fog that laps
across her limbs reach out around her
body loses feeling as her mind begins to win

And in a moment's lapse that feels like
(nothing short of) an eternity
Her thoughts begin to open and she
Finally begins to see
The vision illuminates the stairs
That lead down to the depths below
Her shadow dances just behind her
Urging her to let go

And she falls
The depths are reaching out their
Thirsty hands to snatch her
Tossing all
Her preconceptions, causing all
Ideas to blur
Darkness calls
Her name so sadly,
invitation to draw near
and taste the bitterness of shattered hopes
and shed a simple tear
just mourn the losses unrecovered
buried deep within your soul
you cannot turn around and chase them
reminiscence bears a toll
embrace the truth about the matters
that have made you so much more
but now let go of all that's tattered
spread your wings, it's time to soar


Before her lies a cliff that
Drops down into storming waters
Swirling all around the rocks that threaten those that stand above

Staring down into the depths
That cultivate curiosity
Is waking up her spirits, giving her an urgent shove

All she sees around her starts to
spin, the endless motion makes her sick but
Still somehow she just can't seem to tear away her eyes


Hypnotized her heart begins to
Find a path that long ago was
Buried deep in shadows round the cherished that have died

And in a moment's lapse that feels like
nothing short of an eternity
Her thoughts begin to open and she
Finally begins to see
The vision illuminates the foam
That leads down to the depths below
Her shadow dances just behind her
Urging her to let go


Spread your wings, your heart is open
And you've shed your painful fears
Open wide the gates that long have held back
Your detrimental tears.
In your eyes a beauty sparkles longing
for the fields ahead
Feel the tide, it sings and beckons you
To lie down in it's bed.

Spread your wings, your chains have melted
Under heat you chose to kiss
On this side, there are none wilted
Amongst the flowers you have picked
Breathe the honey scent that lingers
On the soft side of the air
Let the simple peace reveal itself
In natural crowns you wear

Spread your wings, your shackles cannot
Hold you back, they have been broke
You don't sleep, and now you're conscious
Your young spirit has awoke
Write the stories that will come to you
In time as you float on
Watch the sunrise of your innocence
Spread your wings and face the dawn

9.1.09

Fade

Shhhh... I whisper in the air.
Silence speaking ever near,
The waves, they cause commotion, yet
They calm over each thing they wet.

The painting of the clouds will flow
Over, above my head. Below,
I steal a glimpse of radiant calm.
It glistens sweet within my palm.

My blood beats through my heart in time
With crashing waves, they mix and rhyme.
With pounding cadences sung aloud,
My heart shifts soft, awake, aroused.

I shower in the salty mist
Dancing around me, bounce and twist.
Preserving memories lost in fog.
Embalming strands of dialog.

The more I grasp, the more it slips
Between my desperate fingertips.
My lips part slight in hopes to bribe
The massive, slow retreating tide.

But deaf the ear that hears my plea
Despite the howl of my decree
And slowly I surrender all
My voice is dry. Mute is my call.

The tide draws back the heat and light
And slowly shifts away my sight.
As darkness creeps into my soul.
I see the calm within the dull.

My heart is dragged by grasping limbs,
The sea, it calls. The land, it dims.
And soon the only thing I know
Is ebbing, waning, shifting flow.

I won't be missed, nor miss a thing
As I mount on flippered wing
And shed the breath I once possessed,
My need for oxygen at rest.

10.1.08

Walk out the fire and my skin is burnt on me
Smell the stench, see the sores, worse than 3rd degree
As it cracks and it peels and it falls to the floor
My resolve, it just builds. I am looking for more

Standing under cascades of an angry flow
I am bruised and I'm beat, but I will not slow
As the water comes down, hugging curves, roaring sound
Yelling out my resolve, let it ring and resound

Let the delicate drops merge into a great tide
Let them gather around and march forth by my side
May they brush round my heart and awaken my soul
May they pour me my part and erase all that's dull

I will watch as my shackles erode in the stream
As I take step by step towards that which redeems
Now I fall to my knees as the coal meets my lips
And my body, it aches, with each tear my eyes drip

I am physically weak but my spirit, it flies
Now I watch as my inhibitions meet their demise
I will cry over loss that I'm destined to face
I will never forgot of this point and this place

I will bear all the pain caused by actions I take
I will own all the tears when at night I'm awake
And it hurts in my bones from this thorn in my side
But I look all around, whisper all my goodbyes

7.27.08

Prove me right to ease your pain.
Then only one will be insane.
And one will off to better things.
Shed the shackles, cut the strings.
Let yourself be free to roam.
I can manage on my own.
Vagabond and wanderer–
Someday I must confront her.
Someday I will fight the fight.
Win to live, or die that night.
Lose my soul to dark within
Or keep it just to pine for him.
Pain or pain I'm forced to choose.
Either way I'll always lose.
So prove me right, avoid the price.
Do not watch me bruise and slice.
Do not make me see the fact
That maybe some will sign the pact,
That maybe some will up and act
And maybe keep a piece in tact.
Do not make me commit too
Because you care and so you choose
To walk along the desperate road
Though all the trails grow ever old.
If truth is there amidst your hope,
Then I must stand, no longer grope.
Then I must walk or maybe crawl
Rather than lie there, ignoring all.
Then I must actually try
To walk uphill and fight the fight.
Then I must see that some can care
And gain the strength to take the dare.
If you believe in what I can't,
And offer up a constant hand,
Then I am obligated to
Hold on to life, try to improve.
But if you stay you'll bear my hurt.
You'll wallow with me in the dirt.
I'll watch you bleed with teary eyes.
And hold you close at night and cry.
I'll see the love within your gaze
And wish a limit on my days.
I'll want to free you from my hold
So you won't see my life unfold.
So prove me right and ease your pain.
So I am free to go insane.
So I can slowly find demise,
Forget that look within your eyes.
Forget the safety of your smile
When you just sit with me a while.
Forget the comfort of your arms
That ease the shriek of mind's alarm.
Forget the fun and simple joys
At times we shed the need for poise.
So prove me right and ease your pain–
For my great loss is your great gain.

7.26.08

Who wouldn't laugh if they were stuck in this same old hellish trap
Where you've lost your map and your mind is stuck in the same old mental crap.
And the more you try is the more you die and the more you're ready to,
And the more you die is the more you lie to those wanting a false view.

There's nothing new about the craze that streaks like drugs right through your veins.
Seems there are few who know the shock that hits when you intensify the pain.
And it's all the same, It all comes raining down like nothing ever changed.
And everything that was in place has now been rearranged.

It seems so old and childish, something that you shouldn't have to face
And all the time you spend on dealing with it seems to go to waste.
Just a taste of fresh air would help me temporarily escape
From this desperate and detrimental, hated torment of a place.

Please erase me now.
I've tasted how
I just can't run,
So point the gun.
Just let it go
I'll take the blow
And all will be
As if it's free.
The blood will flow
New things will grow
and I'll be gone
The dark has won
My heart will die
Just one last sigh
Fall to the tile
End in a smile.

2.14.08

Trapped inside within the walls
Attempts to leave, but they're too tall
Whispering loud, since voice is hoarse
Swirling inside–regret, remorse

Attempts to capture other's eyes
To show them truth behind the cries
Longing for once for them to see
The genuine nature of the disease

Yet understanding falls so short
And always wrong is the report
And through it all the words are lost
And one begins to weigh the cost

The damage done through loosened tongue
Quickly begins to spread among
The ones who's ears have captured thoughts
Which should've stayed hind lips kept taut

The truth begins to fall in reach
That others should not ever breech
The walls which stand and are closing off
The ever dark and painful thoughts

12.17.07

Beautiful Girl–
She walks through the thorn bushes laid out before her.
Her heart keeps her moving, each step brings her forward;
Yet still, there are those
Who grab at her feet.
They claw at her soul;
If only she'd see

That she's more than they'll ever be able to reach,
And her heart can dream bigger; her spirit can sour through the sky–
The turbulent, beautiful, disastrous night.
She can sing a song that threatens the gem of the sirens that sit by the shore.
She wants more.
If she reaches she'll find it,
it's there for her taking.
Just unfold and unwind it,
You're a jewel in the making.

Beautiful Girl–
She's searching for gold in the dry, barren land.
She won't give it up, keeps on digging with hands
That are worn, tore
And calloused with need
Her knees are sore
And slowly they bleed

But she's more than they'll ever be able to reach,
And her heart can dream bigger; her spirit can sour through the sky–
The turbulent, beautiful, disastrous night.
She can sing a song that threatens the gem of the sirens that sit by the shore.
She wants more.
If she reaches she'll find it,
it's there for her taking.
Just unfold and unwind it,
You're a jewel in the making.

I can see, in time,
Aging like wine,
You are so beautiful; please see my side.
Please see yourself through perspectives of mine.

Beautiful Girl–
Jewel of a Girl–
Beautiful Girl–
Lost in the swirl of reality's pain.

Beautiful Girl–
Shake off the world.
Open your heart.
Let your visions unfurl.

Your dreams are in reach,
Right in your hands.
Just close your fist,
Watch your sweet soul expand.

And if you reach out you'll find it,
It's there for your taking.
Just unfold and unwind it,
You're a jewel in the making

Beautiful Girl.

11.27.07

Walled up inside, she walks alone

Cross beaten paths adorned with stone

And bushes reaching out to grab

A traveller who has left her home.

Her face may be decently fair,

But beauty fades each passing layer.

Inside her heart a malice breeds

Yet onlookers are unaware.

Each step she takes across the fields

Of blossoms rich and lovely yields

A gravesite ready to receive

The flowers' corpses who's fates she sealed.

Those who have looked into her eyes

Can see despair brewing inside.

The pools of pain and anger fill

Each nook and cranny in her mind.

Her voice sends chills through those who hear

The words she speaks. With sounds she tears

Through warmth and comfort others own

Till aching silence is all that's there.

11.09.07

[sometimes it takes the opposite to heal a hurting heart]

Baby, wipe away the smile
'cause somewhere buried underneath
I see a pool of lonely tears
Slowly deepening their reach.

Baby, turn your laugh on mute
'cause drowning underneath the waves
I hear a empty, lonely cry
That's been going on for days.

Baby, no you're not alright,
No matter what you're 'bout to say.
Just let me steal your smile and hush your laugh
And in time you'll be ok.

06.03.15

I am a mystery hidden from view
I carry treasures seen only by few
I am a secret with much to unveil
Unknown waters for someone to sail

I have a light that has yet to shine
Softness within like an old, kept wine
Tenderness brewing but yet to release
Gentleness shown in the want to appease

I have a beauty I choose not to flaunt
Now's not the time to stir others' want
I have seduction from others I'll spare
Qualities hidden, so precious and rare

I am a prize that one's yet to win
Wild new land where no one has been
I am a pathway that's yet to be trod
Locked away valuables buried by God

Don't try to discover what's not yours to find
Spare me my heart; take the thoughts from my mind

07.09.11

The burning pixels instigate
painful blindness and headache.
The more I make the worse the day
I play like god on the display
that sits before my dying eyes,
disguising messy in design
I pine to be in other worlds
where distance permits my eyes to rest.
But here I test the limits of
my mental state. I push and shove
the elements before my eyes
and once again I realise
that burning pixels instigate
the painful blindness and headache.
The more I make the worse the day
I play like god on the display
that sits before my dying eyes,
disguising messy in design.

07.08.20

And then
once again
In a fraction of a second
I can see behind the mends
that I have made up in my head.
All is said
So much dread
As I lay there in my bed my mind is
racing through the theories
marking everything in red

I thought this time was different
and I thought I really meant the things
I wanted to achieve but once again
I just deceive
my self
on the shelf
is a dusty book I used to know
but there it lies, it goes to show
my dedication's at a low

And I stare
It's right here
I can see the shadows glaring
through my intricately fabricated
mask that I've been wearing
I was daring
I've been sharing
bearing and comparing
I was wearing non-emotion
but inside I kept on tearing up the
shreads and broken pieces,
Toxins seep into the creases
and they keep me from achieving
and my other side from leaving
I'm bleeding
needing
and feeding of the waste that keeps on
leading me to continue with this
detrimental seeding

As I sit
death grip
I watch the terror rising as it
leads straight to my angel's slow
and pitiful demise
my nature shines
unbinds
and finds its way into my life
and takes control of things I thought
I've purged with bruise and knife

Suddenly
I see
I am using assets that I've feared in
ways that I have never neared
resulting from how I was reared
I'm scared
not prepared
as I stand before a demon that has taken
all my reason and exists in my emotion
I can't win this time around, I think
my cry is being drowned, I sink
into my other self
nonchallant becomes a frown
I'm down
Hit the ground
I'm surrounded by my parasite it feeds
on pleasures that I try to fight and needs
to find fulfillment, day and night
I am bent
I am spent
There's a dent within my will and I
am melting, my heart spills until it's empty
I take pills, shut the devistation out
let the blood flow from the spout
Heartless moments touching lives as body
whispers seductive lies, destructive
eyes piercing their souls and
wanting more, I'm switching roles
turn it off to block the toll
eyes dull
pounding skull
there's a hole that can't be filled but still
my nature's stubborn will will try
to quench it's thirsty need
and so I bleed
I see
I can't be around them now or else
I'll hinder them somehow and so
I'll choose this time around to try
and keep the hunger down
I lose
I must choose
so I choose to walk away, please
keep a distance from my space
there's nothing here behind this face
let all the memories erase

Please forget about my face and
let the memories erase

07.07.10

Simple kisses flutter by
like butterflies as my mind tries
to simplify the incoherent samples
of distortion in my mind
My innocence is shattered in the
tattered life that I hold near
as tears soak down the clothes I wear
in fear I tremble, my ghosts appear
I bear the memories branded in
my skin and buckle at the weight
Too late, my bones are breaking
There's no faking, as I'm waking,
Fingers raking against my skin
and nails scratching once again
brand new attempts to make amends
it sends a chilling sound bite through
the blue and purple in the sky empties
the feelings deep inside. I sigh and
bleed out tainted blood, a flood
relieves the parts that cry. Empty
embraces sweep the ground and
die as homeless all around, the mounds
of graves I've prepared for them
accept and take the heartless in.

07.02.26

There is a girl
Aimed for the world, but is falling
She played it tough, not into that glamour and doll thing
She set her sights high above lines others were drawing
But in reality her fantasy is choking and dying
In actuality, she just tries to keep from hurting and crying

She plays it tough
But life is rough and they seem distant
Between the lines, she hears the tones and reads the harsh hints
Although it plagues her in her mind forever she refuses to be bent
But the constant struggle to survive just leaves her more and more spent
The endless battle with herself seems like there'll never be an end

And so she needs to turn to something to release the endless tension
She cannot stand to constantly be stuck in a suspension
No hand in hand, she rather keep it from her friend's attention
So there's no mention, she's fenced in, her engine's about to blow

She'll turn to something: Cutting
It just works way to well
To kill the endless emotions that are creating this hell
And just a few cuts numb the pain and gain her some perspective
She loves the way it kills her heart and makes all things objective

She'll turn to something: Drinking
It's aims to make her forget
The craziness that drowns her thoughts and ties her in a net
And even twisting off that bottle top and taking a few sips
Forces her brain to back off a bit as the drink touches her lips

She'll turn to something: Running
It keeps the problem far
Creating distance through the mileage, the people, the guitar
And as long as all's together she can run for ever and ever
She'll just fight to keep away since the problem can't be severed

There is a girl
Ever so precious, but she can't see
The reality of value that's attached to her eternally
No matter who will tell her that it's true, she just cannot believe
They killed it early in her heart leaving an emotional amputee

She'll turn to something: Ending
She's scared but that's what's there
She's bottled up the pain so long she can't even begin to share
The difficulty of herself and how she's her own enemy
She wants so hard to have the faith to turn to the true diety
But blinded by the damage done and passed by others endlessly
She cannot stop her own self-hate before it takes control
They keep on handing her advice but her brain's already full
The brilliant red she hides inside will color all things dull
And mulling over things before, she dissapears once more
And giving up on things she swore, she dissapears once more

06.08.21

Hear our voices above the roar.
Hear the plea of wounded hearts.
For in the darkness there are those
Who’s everything was ripped apart.

Taste our bitterness in food and drink,
Prepared with skill beyond belief.
See the destruction behind the beauty
Of ancient ruins and aged relief.

Hear our voices in the crowd.
In pain, we sing ourselves to sleep.
See the dryness in our eyes,
For we have learned we cannot weep.

Forget not those whose tears have dried
On parched grounds where bones are laid.
Remember those whose frowns are buried
In tattered pillows where beds are made.

06.08.17

Just like others, I learn to lie.
I die, but all else fails to work,
Cause really no one really cares
I wear a grin, but mutter a curse.

If only they could see the hate.
We escape behind the masks we wear.
We bear the burden of mistakes
And damage what before was fair.

06.08.11

Dream beyond the depths of hell
That bind and hush the silent breath.
Amongst the carnage’s wretched show
There lies a flicker through the death.

Search for more than is in your reach,
For elsewhere lie lush peaceful hills
Among which those who persevere
Find rest if indeed their soft heart wills.

Bleeding, know that there are those
Ministering to wounds where skin has burst.
Cleaning, bandaging, and if extreme,
Applying tourniquet at worst.

Breathing, believe there still is air
For desperate lungs to metrically inhale.
Oxygen received and Carbon released
Brings color to sickly skin quite pale.

06.07.06

I am a catch that you never can have.
I am a bird that refuses the cage.
I am a hue in a world so drab.
I am the fight in a consuming rage.

I am the humor in jokes passed 'tween friends.
I am the smile on the child's loving face.
I am the punch line thrown out at the end.
I am the innocence found only in grace.

I'm the small flame that brought the great fire-
A droplet of rain that floods all the land.
I'm the distraction that makes man fall of wire.
I am the rod that beats child's hand.

I am the friend that none would suspect.
I oscillate between heaven and hell.
I am the saint who commands great respect.
I am the angel who long ago fell.

I am the one who embraces and smiles.
I am the one who fights by your side.
I am the one who brings you to trial.
I am the heartless who whispers a lie.

I am the one who will try all I can.
I am the failure who has nothing left.
I am the lady with all of the men.
I am the criminal, the killer, the theft.

I am the one you shan't and can't trust.
I sing sweet melodies deceptive and cruel.
I give no one room unless truly I must.
I lead to disaster the ignorant fool.

I change my colors for eyes that behold.
I fit 'ideal' in anyone's dream.
I read your wants and to that I can mold.
I am perceptive and ever so keen.

I am the one who will drive in the stake.
I am the heartless one smiling as you die.
I shrug my shoulders when you find I'm a fake.
But deep in my heart, I drown in my cry.

Deep down within it's myself I despise.
But no one can see past my cold, empty eyes.

06.06.26

A figure, a silhouette–
She dances, she moves.
A free-spirit full of imperfections,
She throws her arms open wide.
She stumbles, she cries.
She sings a painstakingly lovely song.
She breaks, she bleeds.
A child, a vulnerability–
She smiles, she dies.

How weak, how pitiful, how sad!
What a miserable fool, wanting things
That cannot be received cleanly,
Accepting torture and giving in to perilous desires,

She haunts my dreams.
She comes when I lay alone,
Sweating and shivering in my bed.
She follows me,
Silently screaming her patient demands
In my ear all day long.

Go away! Leave me alone!

She’s so far, but ever so close,
An unknown stranger so familiar.

Her black, solid figure represents a fully dimensional being.
She’s a painting, someone’s shadow.

Oh God! She’s mine!

06.05.09

Strike me with longing so I long for your hand.
Drain all my knowledge so I can’t understand.
Burn me with blindness so blindly I grope,
Leaving me empty with nothing save hope.
Disable my heart so I’m unable to flee
Away from bleak darkness to that which I see.
Allow me the choice to choose dessert storms
That bring on the pain and cause me to mourn.
Give me the peace to peacefully feel
The sting of disappointment’s bitter cold steel.
Grant me the grace to graciously wear
The oxymoronic beauty of a face stained by tears.

06.04.12

“Peace! be still!” my heart still screams
Forever and ever and ever it seems.
Bind up the wounds and plug open springs.
Hide the containers, by any means.

Keep down commotion at any cost.
Keep filling containers with blood that is lost.
Forget! Just ignore the hate that is tossed
Forever in the game of Who’s-The-Boss.

Just forget what happened before.
Don’t look down at the blood on the floor.
Lose the memories tied to all this gore.
Wrap up and cover that festering sore.

Let me smile and pat your head.
Let me pretend there was nothing said.
Let down defenses, but don’t turn to meds.
You’re blasted crazy; There was nothing said.

Why are you harboring things that cause you pain?
Let down your guards and let the puss drain.
Your mental incapacity is rendering you lame.
What is your problem? You’re f***ing insane!

What is my problem? I guess they are right.
I must really be a pitiful sight.
I guess its much different looking down from their height.
Perhaps I should finally resign tonight.
Perhaps it is time to give up the fight.

06.01.05

I am a rebel. Don’t stand in my way.
Much on my mind, so little to say.
Outcast and overlooked, misread and mistook,
Just smile and grin, it’s a cruel game they play.

I am a loner. I walk on my own.
My body’s my slave, my flesh and my bone.
Working in sync; blend what I do, what I think,
Patiently enduring every stick, every stone.

I am a fighter, so don’t even try.
Determined and focused is that gleam in my eye.
Broken and bruised, mutilated, abused,
Go on and laugh; in the end you will cry.

I am a warrior. See the scars that I keep.
What you now sow, you surely will reap.
Many stories of failure or times I endure,
Imperfections forever, remembered in sleep.

05.12.09

Eyes serve as windows to my soul–
Lives intersecting marks death to the lull.
With a lack of sincerity, please turn away.
My cold heart melts at your warm gaze.
Pounding and pounding, it takes a toll–
Focus elsewhere, but everything strays;
Look for familiarity but nothing stays.
Focus somewhere, but all’s grown dull.

Just look away and leave me alone!
A mess within where all’s overgrown.
Do me a favor and humor me–
Close eyes and grin and say you don’t see
A weak, tender heart that’s weathered and blown,
A masquerade life, dressed beautifully,
A touch of mascara added dutifully,
A masquerade game so there’s nothing shown.

Don’t reach inside and find who I am.
Don’t realize it’s all been a scam.
Run from the pain that’s waiting to trip.
Hesitance shows as I bite my lip.
Not close to a lion but I’m far from a lamb.
Simplified down, my heart wants to skip.
Emphasized sound, tapping time on my hip.
Simplified gown, offer all that I am.

Eyes serve as windows to my soul–
Far from complete, it avoids growing whole.
With such sweet sincerity, please turn away.
My scared heart mends at your tender gaze.
Pounding and pounding like a bell’s gentle toll.
You’re still standing there, even up till today.
Shed smiling tears, can you promise you’ll stay?
Promise your love and I think I may.

05.12.05

Turn and look– it’s always standing there.
Smile and feign– there’s more than you can bear.
Try to run-– you can't go anywhere.
In your veins-– controlled by pain and fear.

Look and see-– confusion blinds you here.
Focus hard– you’re loosing all held dear.
Blink your eyes– they’re dry and so they tear.
Stay on guard– but you can’t stay aware.

And as I waited for a change and sat in pain, going insane, no one sees past the smile I feign, but it really can't last and so it wanes...

And so I search for something more. I strain my ear to listen for a whispered song above the roar... perhaps of love but I'm not sure.

And everyone hands me maps and guides, but really they hide the frustration inside. Anger and agitation flow like a tide that everyone joins on for the ride.

And somehow in this mess of mine there is a sign of hope that shines and suddenly events start falling in line that lead to something sweet as wine.

And in the heart of confusion around my ear picks up the sweetest sound. Is it illusions or reality I've found? Around this song my heart is wound.

And could it really be for me? I look around but I can't see, but either way my heart agrees and wants so bad to fly so free.

And slowly as the song gets loud and beautiful, I wonder how I'm blessed enough and even allowed to be standing among the crowd.

But somehow the song is sung of me- of my talents and beauty. Things I really couldn't see and thought impossibility.

And in the chaos of my world there's something new in this crazy swirl. Never before have I been affirmed as a girl and my empty heart was new and full.

And though my legs and heart were lame and over time became quite tame, when in the song I heard my name, there was a change- I'm not the same.

If music never moved me before or never again does anymore, this one time brought me to the floor and made me dance and truly soar.

And though it's now a memory, a time that's past so fleetingly, it changed my life rather completely. There is no way people can't see.

And I can only thank the one who sang the song and really won my heart and made me dance for fun. I'll never forget it though it's done.

05.11.03

Time expanded through ceaseless multitasking,
Never a moment lacking in excess dimensions.
Too often a separation demanded of focus
Resulting in a void of excellence and performance.

Never enough to fulfill screaming demands,
Always enough to find marginal productivity.
All necessities manage to be satisfied,
Yet so many needs neglected by the wayside.

Beautiful life finds existence in minimalistic measures.
Deep, rich colors whispering rhymes across seeds–
Sickening peace that satisfies so deeply–
Heart wrenching pain, singing melodies of vitality.

Cyclical repetition stands tall as timekeeper,
Sweeping travelers into habit and routine,
Feigning comfort and ease yet bringing on blindness,
Break away from mundane non-existence.

05.09.08

Where can I stand? Where do I belong?
Just trying to dance and jive with this song.
Can I ever just once be out of the way?
People will move and exclude. It seems they never stay.
I find that’s the case, so what can you say?
I can’t really blame them, it’s not really wrong.

I’m running, avoiding–
There’s something quite unsolvable here.
I’m watching, waiting–
There’s something too ironic here.
There’s nothing I can do here.

Still I’m trying to find my place.
I’m hoping to come out on top in this life race.
Flailing arms groping for an outstretched hand.
How will it all turn out in the end?

Stepping aside to avoid trampled toes.
Grasping and hiding my worries and woes.
Do people read the truth behind the mask?
Can others see sweat dripping as a result of this task?
Striving and straining to live and to last.
Heart beats, head pounds, my fear only grows.

Still I’m seeking to find my place.
I’m running hard to come out on top in this race.
Desperate arms reaching for an offered hand.
How will it all turn out, come the end?

People ever arrive and ever depart.
Rub shoulders with many, but few touch my heart.
Lean back a bit to avoid pointless contact.
If I actually move and reach out, who will react?
No one to trust so I must watch my back.
Turning and watching, I’ve made it an art.

Yet I have to find a real safe place.
Not on my own, but I’ll win this life race.
Helpless arms grasped by a bleeding hand.
I’ll see beauty through pain once I’m at the end.
Rainbows emerge after rain, what a glorious end.

05.09.08

I open my mouth and try to speak–
Try to verbalize thoughts and feelings
Scattered in mind, hardly organized by my tongue.
Hard to find a way to portray it all right.

So much on mind, I long to share.
Difficulty telling you what I mean.
How can I explain when you don’t want to hear?
I can’t make you accept my humble words.

Should I just shut my mouth or will you listen?
Have you already decided your set reaction?
Should I just walk away cause you won’t listen?
What’s the point when I already know your reaction to what I say?

Again you’re upset, what can I do?
I’ve phrased it as best as I possibly can.
Nothing I say ever reaches your heart.
It only runs through your ears and triggers your temper.

Should I just shut my mouth or will you listen?
Have you already decided your set reaction?
Should I just walk away cause you won’t listen?
What’s the point when I already know your reaction to what I say?

You’re walking away; I’m frozen in place.
Should I even try now to make you stay?
I’ve tried so many times before to no avail.
I’m helpless to change anything, so I can only say goodbye.

Should I just shut my mouth or will you listen?
Have you already decided your set reaction?
Should I just walk away cause you won’t listen?
What’s the point when I already know your reaction to what I say?

Could anything hurt as much as feeling mute?
Like anything expressed is always misread.
Can I ever impact others in positive ways?
Good intention will only carry me so far.
Meaning well doesn’t mean anything when it dies in the air.
No one can hear… I can’t do much here.

05.09.06

Heart beats
Head pounds
My eyes are searching
Searching for something
Something that’s worth it
It eludes me, I can’t find it
It’s tangible
Tangible, yet intangible
Intangible, yet I can feel
Feel the desire to reach
Reach out and grasp
Grasp the hope
Hope for more
More will come
Come to find
Find reality
Reality hurts
Hurts will come
Come this way
Way to go
Go away

05.09.02

A walk through my life, a look through my history–
The pain and the strife, the joy and the fury,
The memories stored and the records by knife,
What I lived for and bore, what others can see.

Moments I share or fear from the past
that wear me out or repair me at last.
Forever a mark on this heart which embarks
On this dark and weary trail... some people care.

Remembrance of time spent weaved in a rhyme
Where dirt and grime chipped away at my being,
Molding a tense and hard heart in this thing
And hence, hopefully, it brings one more sublime.

Recollections slapped on my fragile memory.
They're trapped there forever from which my mind taps
And raps ever on as warnings for me
To see, believe, sever hope and sap energy.

Forever I must learn to believe and to trust
In the words that drip love but also are just;
And as I look above, I'm refreshed by a gust
Of peace, pure and lovely, no trace of lust.

Battling lies and tossing out 'why?'s
That entangle my mind from those that fly by
Who try ever more to bring forth my demise
And damage my worth and draw out loud cries.

Standing on what I've built my life 'round;
Straining my ear to the sounds that resound
Everywhere- In the air, in the ground.
Focus right there... it is here I am found.